Grieving the Loss of a Pet

Yolko, also known as Yolkiti. She was named after the yellow of an egg yolk.

During the four years of my childhood spent in Pakistan, I had the pleasure of having a pet rooster. At the time, you’d be able to purchase small chicks from the local farmer’s markets. They’d dye them different colors to appeal to small children and we ended up purchasing four chicks. Three bright pink hen chicks and one little yellow guy who we’d end up calling Cookoo. We’d point our index finger and tap the floor saying “cookoo, cookoo, cookoo etc…” and he’d come running to our hands. They brought us so much joy and my brothers and I would follow them around and play with them all day. My father was not pleased as we’d be constantly cleaning chicken poop (at the time we had no idea chicken diapers existed - and now you know too!) and we ended up giving away the hens to a local farm. The little guy became very ill as he was the youngest so my mother nursed him back to health. We made a small box for him and my mother would keep him close, around a watchful eye. Cuckoo became my mother’s rooster and he’d follow her around everywhere. He grew up to be a healthy rooster and caught the eye of many a neighbour as they’d ask us if he was for sale. He was this plump, juicy future dinner to some but to us, he was part of our family. He’d roost on our hands and we’d take him for walks around the street. I remember this one time a neighbour came into our house to purchase something and Cuckoo made this very interesting noise/call, spread his wings back and wide, and charged at her with his beak. The lady jumped and ran out of our house and when she came back she said “Is this a guard dog or a rooster?!”. We all thought it was hilarious and that maybe Cuckoo had some special powers that detected new threats. Eventually, my father was not pleased once again so my mother regretfully gave him for adaption to the neighbours that lived on the next street. A week or so later, they came back to return him and we noticed he had a black eye…he was not well. He was ill. All of us cried so much when he was forced out of our house but what made it even sadder was when we saw how the other neighbours treated him. He was sick and it didn’t look like he’d get better. I remember lying beside him and petting him, telling him all the ways I was sorry and how I wished I looked after him more.

He passed away a few days later. My mother cried and cried. My father and our neighbours made fun of her for being attached “to a rooster!”. They joked that we should have a proper funeral for him but of course, no one supported that. No one realized how much he meant to my mother and to us. How much joy he brought to our lives and how much personality this little rooster had. This rooster who we didn’t think would survive as a wee chick, blossomed into a beautiful, fierce, and healthy adult rooster. Cuckoo was missed dearly and to this day I have a soft spot for roosters. So much so that I recently discovered (and was overjoyed) to find a rescue rooster named Bree on Instagram.

Yolko and her second partner, Mango Butter aka Mango

Animals are incredible creatures that deserve our respect. When a pet passes away, one is often confronted with a kind of a shame if they grieve too much as we’re so used to others gently negating the grief with a phrase like “it’s just an animal”. Not many will actually say that out loud but it’s easy to read between the lines by the support you get from others if you talk about your pet vs a human being you lost. I understand it depends on the relationship and by no means am I saying they are the same. What I am trying to say is that the loss of a pet is as much painful, at times. It’s comparable to the loss of a child as pets are just as (if not more) dependant on us and so require a lot of unconditional love from their owners. It feels good to give that kind of love.

I recently lost a pet budgie named Yolko whom I had for over 9 years. She was a joy to be around and flew around the apartment at her own will. I had a wooden easel for her on the wall so she felt like she had a perch high up. She had some toys, a swing, a cuttlefish bone, a mineral bone, and ate very well. She outlived two former partners and was a strong, loving, and adorable parakeet. She loved it when people were around or if she heard the sounds of people talking when we watched television. She also liked music, although her taste in music was quite eclectic and ranged from Luke Bryan to hip hop beats and changed weeks later. She would nest at the open door of her cage if I was in a room far away from her just so she could see me. She’d dance and bob her head up and down and we knew she was very happy. We knew she was getting older as she’d be sleeping more and more as the days passed by and became quieter. The hardest part was watching her pass away as I helplessly saw her lose her motor function and eventually shut down.

Yolko will always have a special place in my heart, as will her partners, Miilo and Mango. Miilo would sit on my finger every morning and chirp for more than 15 minutes. He loved the attention and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was saying as he was certainly very fond of talking. We had some great conversations.

Now that I find myself pet-less, does this mean I would never get another pet?

Not necessarily.

Does getting another pet replace the one I had?

No. Imagine talking to someone who just lost a child and someone walks up and says “I’m sorry about your loss, Jim but hey, you can always make another one!”. If you have the least bit of empathy, you’d probably react in horror to this dialogue, and that’s exactly what it feels like if you tell someone grieving over a pet to “ just get another pet, man!”.

Everyone grieves at their own pace. We all go through loss one way or another in our lives. Loss of family, friends, acquaintances, jobs, and pets etc. Pets are incredible companions and give unconditional love (and dependency) but we gladly take care of them as they add so much to our lives. Their loss is very tragic.

Yolko on the front porch so she can see what’s going on in the room/den next door

How one goes about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) during this time of loss is dependent upon many factors and sometimes it’s just a matter of who you are talking to. Some may get another pet immediately while others need more time to cope with the loss and let the feelings naturally lead them to a new identity.

Below are some of the ways I found (and continue to find) helpful during my time of loss:

A good support network: Talking to family, friends, anyone you are comfortable talking to. Someone supportive, non-judgmental, who is also a good listener. Not all of us are lucky to have great support but remember, quality is better than quantity. Sometimes, you’d be able to find online forums and threads where people share their journeys and support one another. Whatever the form of support you seek (online or in-person), remember that you are not alone and there are many others out there who have experienced the same pain as you and were able to come out of it with strength.
Let your emotions unfold - naturally. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to go through a period of depression. We live in a culture that is happiness-obsessed and sometimes to the point where it’s a detriment to one’s health. You are allowed to be sad and you are allowed to fully feel emotions. You’ll have good days, bad days, good days again followed by worse days. You’ll go through many ranges of emotions but please remember to fully embrace them and understand that only if we fully embrace them, will we be able to overcome them and eventually find solace. I have struggled my entire life trying to mold my emotions as I was raised in an environment where I was expected to be strong and not show weakness as I would be laughed at otherwise. It did more harm than good and I am finally at a point where I am not afraid or embarrassed to be sad. Go ahead, say you’re sad, unhappy, lonely, depressed. It’s alright and those who are worth your time will understand, respect, and support you and give you space and time (or whatever you need) to heal.
Identify what you need: Quite often we expect others to know instantly what to do if we feel bad. The thing is…no one can read minds (at least not yet?). It’s up to us to teach those around us, exactly how to be good to us. If you need to do something fun, reach out to your friend or friends and say “Hey, I want to do something fun, I want to take my mind off of the recent loss, who’s up for ______”. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself “How can others support me at this time?” What do you want for yourself? Is it space that you seek? Solitude? Do you want to be around people? Whatever the answer is, be honest with yourself and make sure you know why you are asking for whatever it is you are asking for. Write down what it is that you are seeking and how you can support yourself and how others can support you. Isolation can be deadly, so my advice is to have a healthy balance of alone and friend/family time. If you can answer this, you’ll be in a much better position and be able to articulate it to others, including yourself.
Consider therapy. If nothing else seems to work, it’s alright to see a therapist. Loss can be devastating no matter who you lost. An iguana, bird, rooster, dog, cat, I can go on but the point is that loss should not be taken lightly. If you feel like nothing is working and things continue to go downhill and you are beginning to isolate yourself from others, then perhaps try talking to a trained mental health professional. You can go for one session, two, however many you feel comfortable with. No amount of money is worth losing your sanity, so please be kind to yourself and if you feel like you can’t control or navigate through the chaos, then give therapy a try.
Consider another companion when you are ready. Animals bring so much joy to our lives and there are plenty of animals who are in shelters that need a home. Consider adopting a rescue, as it can help give you strength and purpose as you take the task of taking care of a beautiful creature who will love you unconditionally and requires your unconditional love. I am still in my grieving phase but I know once I am ready, I will adopt a rescue. Will it be a cat or a dog? I’ll just have to wait and see but I can’t wait to make some space and get my home ready for a loving animal.

Wherever you are and whoever you’ve lost, please know that there are many animals who would love a new home and they have the ability to change our lives. If you want to watch a beautiful movie (based on a true story) about how a street cat changed the life of an ex-addict, watch “A Street Cat Named Bob”.

I hope you allow yourself to grieve, surround yourself with good people, understand that you are not alone, and last but not least, be kind to yourself.